Silent Lies: A gripping psychological thriller Read online

  I have given up apologising to Pam and Graham for the mess Freya always makes. They have assured me they love it, that it makes their house feel lived in, like a proper home.

  After a few minutes Graham turns to Freya. ‘Let’s go outside, I’m sure Socks is under a tree somewhere. Grandma can get everyone drinks, if she doesn’t mind.’

  This is my opportunity. Following Pam into the kitchen, I watch Freya and Graham outside while she boils the kettle. I tell her I’ll just have water, it’s far too hot for anything else, but she still busies herself making tea. They will never go without it, whatever the weather.

  ‘Can I talk to you, Pam? It’s about Zach.’ Normally I wouldn’t jump straight in like this, for fear of her closing down, but I have to take this opportunity while Freya’s busy outside.

  Her body tenses but she continues making tea, avoiding looking at me. ‘I’m sorry to bring this up, I really am, but I just wondered if you knew anything about one of Zach’s colleagues, Dominic Bradford? I didn’t know him but he was at the funeral and I remembered you talking to him for quite a while, and, well, I thought it would be nice if I could get in touch with him. To just remember Zach together, maybe.’

  She stops what she’s doing and turns to me. ‘Dominic Bradford? But why now? It’s been five years, Mia. Why do you want to do this now?’

  ‘I know this must seem a bit out of the blue, but I just haven’t felt ready to speak to anyone before now. You saw how I was after the funeral – I could barely speak to you. If I hadn’t had a two-year-old to look after I don’t know what I would have done. Shut myself off from the world even more, I suppose. But now I feel like I need to talk to people about him. People who knew him and cared for him. You must understand that?’

  ‘Yes, I do. But what good will it do? You know what people think of Zach now. Nobody has a good word to say about him other than us.’

  ‘But not Dominic,’ I say. ‘He never believed Zach was capable of what they said he did. He told me that at the funeral.’

  Something crosses Pam’s face and I know immediately what it is: she cannot bear to think of her son with one of his students. She shakes her head, but I’ve got to keep her talking before she completely shuts down. ‘Please, Pam. This is just something I have to do.’

  ‘Why now, Mia? You’ve moved on. You’ve got a beautiful little girl, so why dredge up so much unhappiness? If you talk to Zach’s colleague you’ll just end up going over the same old stuff again. And then you’ll start doubting yourself. Thinking that he’s guilty. Forgetting the man he really was.’

  For five years I’ve not been able to tell Pam and Graham that I don’t believe Zach was innocent, that the evidence stacked against him was too compelling to ignore. And, yes, I’ve hated myself every day for this, but rationality had to win out in the end. I couldn’t let love blind me.

  ‘He was depressed,’ Pam continues, when I don’t answer. ‘That’s why he took his life like that. I mean, he took enough of that horrible drug to make sure there was no chance anyone could save him, didn’t he? It was nothing to do with that girl, nothing to do with guilt.’ She dabs at her eyes. ‘It was just desperation. Sadness. I don’t know. It’s hard to accept that none of us could see how desperate he was. And it’s hard to understand why he’d leave Freya fatherless when he loved her so much, but that’s what depression does.’

  I hear Alison Cummings’s words in my head: Your husband didn’t kill himself.

  There is no reply I can give Pam, so all I do is offer her a small nod. But I would have known if Zach had been depressed, wouldn’t I? There would have been some sign of it, something I couldn’t miss. And he had no history of depression.

  I can’t tell her my true thoughts, or about my counselling session with Alison Cummings, her huge revelation. Not until I know what’s going on. I can’t let Pam’s world be torn apart all over again if nothing comes of this.

  ‘Anyway, there’s nothing that will bring him back, Mia,’ she adds. ‘And what’s the good in talking to Dominic Bradford? They weren’t that close and he’s moved on with his life, I’m sure.’

  I take a deep breath, wondering how much further I can push her. I don’t need her to tell me where he lives, of course, but if there’s a chance she knows anything more about him then I need to know it. ‘You’re probably right, Pam. I’m sure he doesn’t want me turning up after all this time, reminding him of what happened.’ I pause. ‘He had a nice wife, didn’t he? She was with him at the funeral, I think.’ I hate having to play this game with Pam, of all people, but I need ammunition against what is to come.

  She shakes her head, just as I knew she would. ‘No, he was there alone. He got divorced not long after Zach died, so maybe there was trouble between them at that time… Anyway, I don’t really know what happened. He kept in touch for a while, afterwards, but we haven’t heard from him for years. I don’t even know where he lives now.’

  ‘Can you remember her name?’ I’m pushing my luck now, but I need to try.

  Pam frowns. ‘I think it was Elaine. Why? Why are you asking me this, Mia? What’s going on? Why do you want to know about Dominic’s wife now?’

  I turn back to the garden. Freya has finally located Socks and is walking round the garden, holding him in her arms. ‘It’s nothing. I just… I miss Zach, and I suppose I want to feel close to him, and be around people who knew him.’ I can tell Pam’s not convinced by my words, and I wouldn’t be either; they make little sense even to me. I need to distract her. ‘One of my clients has just lost his wife and it’s bringing it all back to me.’

  This seems to work and she walks over to me and gives me a hug. ‘It will always be hard, dear. We just keep living with it, that’s all we can do.’ We stay holding each other for a moment until she pulls back and straightens herself up. ‘How are things with Will? Are you going to let him move in yet?’

  This is the amazing thing about Pam – she is able to put her pain aside and still want the best for me, even though she probably feels her only son is being replaced.

  ‘I can’t, Pam. Not yet. I’m not ready.’

  She nods but I know she’s preparing to question me about this. ‘It’s been five years, Mia. How long is long enough? From everything you’ve told us he sounds like a lovely man, and Freya loves him, doesn’t she?’

  There is no arguing with Pam’s logic, but I cannot easily explain what’s in my heart. ‘Yes, Freya adores him. We both do.’

  Her forehead creases. ‘You do trust him, don’t you? Because if this is about not wanting to get hurt, I’ll say it again: I don’t believe for one second Zach did anything wrong. Anything at all. You were a good wife to him, Mia, he would never have done anything to hurt you.’ She pauses. ‘Oh, I know that sounds wrong when he took his life, and he must have known how that would hurt you both – hurt us all – but you know what I mean.’

  A familiar numbness takes hold of my body and I can’t feel a thing. I clench my fist to shake some feeling into me but it’s like watching someone else from afar. This can only be a protective mechanism I’ve developed over these years. To stop myself from falling.

  ‘I try my best to believe that every day,’ I say. No, I don’t. No, I don’t. Zach ripped out my heart with his betrayal. But I know he loved Freya, and me too, in his own way, so I will focus on that, for Pam’s sake. ‘Some days it’s easier to be positive than others,’ I say. ‘Anyway, yes, Will is a good man.’ The words stick in my throat; this is what people always said about Zach.

  Pam nods. ‘Graham and I were talking about it the other day and, well, we both think it’s time we met Will. It’s been long enough, hasn’t it?’

  This is the last thing I’ve been expecting and I’m momentarily stunned. ‘I… um… yeah, that sounds good.’ I know how hard meeting them will be for Will. He will do it for us, I have no doubt, but I don’t want to put him through that. Still, I promise Pam I’ll talk to him about it.

  She smiles. It brings her pleasure to still
be involved in my life. ‘It doesn’t have to be anything formal,’ she says. ‘There’s no pressure. It’s not like meeting the parents, is it?’ She stops herself. ‘Actually, it is, because that’s what we feel we are, Mia. You’re our daughter, as far as we’re concerned.’

  There are tears ready to burst from my eyes and all I can manage is to whisper a thank you.

  ‘It’s funny,’ Pam says, ‘when Zach first met you in… Tenerife, was it?’

  ‘Fuerteventura.’

  ‘Oh, yes, that’s it. Well, I didn’t think it would last five minutes – these holiday romances rarely do, and you were both so young. Zach was only twenty-five, wasn’t he? And you must have been, what? Twenty-two?’

  I nod. Pam has always been good at remembering dates and ages.

  ‘But then he brought you home to us and I knew you were perfect for him. I just knew you were a good woman.’

  I’m so choked up by her words I can’t manage to speak. But it’s funny to recall how Zach and I met. A lifetime ago now. I had assumed it was just a few nights of mostly drunken fun, and I certainly wasn’t expecting him to call me once we both got home. But he did. And even when we got married three years later, and nobody thought it would last, we did. How did we only have ten years together, Zach? Ten short years. Until death do us part.

  I’m glad I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, because I would have definitely lost the contents of my stomach right about now. Luckily, Freya chooses this moment to bustle into the kitchen, still cradling a purring Socks in her arms. She is a welcome distraction. ‘Can you stay for lunch, Mummy?’ she asks.

  As much as she loves her grandparents, she always hates it when I leave – at least until they distract her with some game or other.

  ‘I can’t, sweetheart, I have a client this afternoon. But I’ll see you on Monday, okay?’ I bend down to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Be good.’

  ‘I always am,’ she protests, but I ruffle her hair to let her know that I know this.

  And when I leave the house and step outside it’s like breathing again after being close to suffocation.

  Chapter Eight

  Josie

  * * *

  I’ve always tried to be strong, to keep my emotions in check and never reveal any vulnerability, despite the circumstances I find myself in. Even after what Johnny did to me, I refused to shed a tear in front of him. I focused on my anger instead, and it protected me like a wall so he couldn’t get in.

  Now though, sitting in front of my lecturer, I feel like I am breaking down, crumbling from the inside. This is not me, but I can’t seem to shake it.

  ‘Come on,’ Zach says, ‘we need to get out of here.’ He doesn’t wait for a response but gently grabs my arm and takes me outside. Like a damsel in distress. I’ll hate myself tomorrow. And I will never be able to face him again; I already know that.

  ‘Is this about university?’ he asks. ‘Is there anything I can do? You know, if you’re struggling with your work then there isn’t a single tutor who wouldn’t help you if you needed it. You just have to ask.’

  I shrug. ‘It’s not that, really. Well, partly, but it’s not the whole of it.’ I reach into my pocket for a tissue but the only one I find is old and I know it has chewing gum stuck in it somewhere. I use it anyway, to get rid of these annoying tears. ‘I’m not making sense, am I?’ I say to Zach. ‘Look, I’ll just go.’ I start to walk off but he reaches for my arm.

  ‘I can’t let you go like this, Josie. You’re clearly upset about something.’

  This is weird. He shouldn’t be so concerned. He should be more than happy to say, okay, great, see you around. ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.’

  But he’s not buying it. ‘No, you won’t. Your hands are shaking.’

  Are they? I can’t tell. I can’t feel anything. It’s his kindness that’s doing this to me. The other stuff too, but mostly the fact that he’s bothering with me.

  ‘Look,’ he says. ‘Is there anyone you can be with? Anyone you can talk to? It seems like you could use a chat. I just don’t think you should be alone. Who do you live with?’

  Ha, Alison! Yeah, she’d be a great person to talk to right now. ‘My flatmate,’ I say. ‘But she’s out.’ I don’t tell him that she’s the cause of this; that she would probably love to see me this way.

  I feel a surge of defiance, and have no idea where it’s come from so suddenly. I don’t want special treatment from Zach or anyone else. I’m going to get my assignment done if it kills me. I won’t let anyone – especially Alison – get the better of me.

  Zach checks his watch and looks around. ‘I’ll walk you to your car. Where did you park?’

  ‘Actually, I didn’t drive here.’

  ‘Come on then, I’ll drop you home.’

  I can’t let him do this. It’s not fair. He’s got a nice life and a nice wife and kid; he doesn’t need to be around damaged goods. ‘No, it’s fine. I can walk.’

  ‘Josie, it’s getting dark now, and I just want to make sure you get back safely. Come on.’

  So I give in, just because it’s easier, and I get the feeling he’s as stubborn as I am and we’ll be out here debating it all evening if one of us doesn’t admit defeat.

  Zach’s car has that brand-new smell, like he’s just driven it out of a showroom, but inside it looks well used. There are CDs scattered all over the place, and books piled on the back seat. A pair of little pink shoes.

  I turn to him. ‘CDs? You actually buy CDs?’

  ‘Yeah, why? Is that not cool?’ His smile tells me he doesn’t take my surprise personally.

  ‘I just haven’t seen one for a long time.’ Since I left her house. But this comes as no surprise. Liv had me at sixteen and is probably around the same age as Zach.

  We drive in silence for a few minutes and I get lost in the radio station Zach’s put on. It’s rock music – not really my thing – but somehow it suits him. I lean my head back and close my eyes, trying to make the moment last, when in reality we are only minutes from my flat.

  ‘Are you okay, Josie?’ Zach says.

  My eyes snap open. Am I? It’s hard to tell, but right now, being with Zach, I feel better. His car is a cocoon, keeping the outside world at bay. Here, everything that’s wrong in my life is too far away to touch me. I can write another story. Maybe it won’t be as good as the original, but I’ll do it anyway. Alison, despite everything, is harmless, and that woman is miles away in Brighton. She can threaten me all she wants, I’m not going to let her – or anyone else – scare me.

  ‘I’m getting there,’ I tell Zach. ‘Sorry about just now, I don’t usually lose control like that.’

  He shakes his head. ‘Josie, it’s okay to have those moments. You’re only human. We all are. You can’t be superwoman all the time.’

  I throw my head back. ‘Ha, is that what you think I am? You couldn’t be further from the truth.’

  ‘Well, that’s good to hear. Perfection is exhausting. It makes other people feel as though they’re not good enough, that they’ll never live up to your expectations. You don’t want to be perfect.’

  I wonder if he is speaking from personal experience here, if it’s his wife he’s referring to.

  ‘So what was it about?’ he continues. ‘It must have taken something important to upset you so much – in front of me, of all people.’

  I don’t know what he means by that, but it doesn’t matter. What counts is that he’s asking me, wanting to know.

  ‘I can’t… I’m sorry.’

  ‘No, no! I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t be asking you, it’s inappropriate. It’s probably personal, and I’m your lecturer, so you really don’t have to tell me anything. But, well, I’m here if you want to talk. About anything. I’m quite open-minded, you know.’

  This is easy to believe. I could jump to the worst conclusion and assume that Zach has an agenda, but I don’t sense that from him at all. I barely know him, but I feel that he’s gen
uine. And believe me, I’ve had enough experience to know when a guy is sleazy and after something.

  Maybe I’m dumb to trust him so easily, and maybe part of that’s because I find him attractive, but I like to think I can trust my instincts.

  ‘Thanks, Zach. Maybe some other time. Turn right here. I live on this road, about halfway down.’

  He pulls up just outside my flat but keeps the engine running. ‘You’ll get through it, Josie, whatever it is.’

  Yes, I will. I’ve come this far, I’m not about to let myself down now.

  ‘Thanks for the lift, Zach,’ I say, reaching for the door handle.

  ‘See you tomorrow, Josie.’

  I stop and turn to face him. I’ve never been one to hold back, and I have to ask this. ‘Why are you doing this? Being so kind to me, I mean. I’m not your only student. There can’t be enough time in your day to help us all.’

  He doesn’t seem fazed by my question. ‘No, you’re right,’ he says, looking me in the eye. ‘But I’d be there for any of my students if they needed help with anything. I don’t think my job stops the second you all leave the lecture hall.’ He turns away and stares through the window. ‘Plus, I’d like to think we’ve kind of become, well, friends, in a funny way. Connected through our writing or something.’

  ‘Friends.’ I try the word out and find that I like it. I don’t tell him that I long ago gave up on the idea of having friends. That when you’re at rock bottom you turn around and find they’ve all disappeared, that there’s nobody there to hold out their hand and lift you up.

  I open the car door and jump out.

  ‘Can I be honest with you, Josie?’ Zach calls.

  I walk around to the driver’s side. ‘Course. About anything.’

  He smiles. ‘I feel like I can, at least, but I just need to say this. I’m married, with a young toddler, and I love my home life, so please don’t think I have any kind of weird thoughts or anything. I just have to get that out of the way. I shouldn’t have to. I mean, if you were male, we probably wouldn’t even need to address it, but I just want you to know that when I say friendship, that’s exactly what I mean.’